DAY 36: Positive thinking to avoid pain

Daring greatly talks about the common ways people avoid feelings of being vulnerable. There’s things like drinking, drug-taking and other addictions and foreboding joy, which is where you always think the worst is going to happen.

So I decided to observe what I do.

Something pretty scary happened to me this week. I’m just a few weeks into my fourth pregnancy and I started to bleed. You’d probably say I’m, well, experienced in miscarriages so I called it. I told myself that I’d lost the baby.

Image by Leland Francisco at https://www.flickr.com/photos/lel4nd/5455224577
Image by Leland Francisco at https://www.flickr.com/photos/lel4nd/5455224577

It was devastating, and for a moment I felt quite vulnerable. But vulnerable is uncomfortable and I quickly numbed the pain. But I didn’t numb it with drinking or gambling or anything else that Brené Brown gives as examples, I numbed it by turning the negative into positive.

Having a baby now is a bad idea anyway, I’m way too busy

If I lose this baby, then maybe I’ll have a summer baby next, which is much better

My pelvic floor needs more recovery, so this is a good thing

I’ve always been known as a positive person. Always the optimist. I can always see the good in a bad situation.

But by doing this, am I actually numbing the pain and avoiding this necessary state of vulnerability?

As for the miscarriage, I’m still not sure either way whether I’ve lost the baby. I have a scan on Tuesday that will answer my question. But in the meantime I’m trying to open myself to the possibility (and the painful vulnerability that is exposed in the process) that maybe this pregnancy is not to be.

xx Eloise

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